So, its not yet Halloween and the snow has begun to fly in the Berkshires. I feel vindicated in a way, even though I have dreaded seeing this, and actually had begun to think I might even escape before it happened. You see, in just three days (if all goes as planned) I get in my little green Subaru Impreza and drive out of the Berkshires for two months. I am leaving everything and everyone that makes me feel comfortable and safe (except of course the snow) and heading into unknown territory.
For those of you whom I haven’t seen or talked to about this, its a trip about a few things. One: it is a visit to my daughter, Devon, who left for Spokane WA (and true love) about 7 months ago. Two: it is an escape from the cold, dark winter that turns me into a hostage in my own life, and makes me a victim to Seasonal Affective Disorder and truly crippling depression. Three: it is a sort of a spiritual pilgrimage, an odyssey out to the West and SouthWest that seem to be calling to me. And finally, it is a direct confronting of the fear that has controlled many of my choices and behaviors over my lifetime thus far: the fear of being alone. I have deliberately chosen to make this trip WITH myself, FOR myself and BY myself, as a way of proving that I will no longer be controlled by this fear. I will show myself that I CAN and WILL be fine, across thousands of miles, and states I have never seen, with no one to count on but ME.
However, all that being said, and for all my dogged determination, I am afraid. When I feel Tuesday afternoon lurking in the misty, but quickly approaching future, I am sad and feel conflicted. But I KNOW I have to go. Who I will be, and how I will be changed when I return for Christmas I do not know. But this journal – this blog – this connection to all of you, feels like a lifeline I will need in order to maintain my courage and my sanity. So come along with me, ok? Think of me out on the road and send me happy energy and thoughts 🙂
I promise to let you see what I am seeing (I bought an iPhone so I can take great pictures for you all). And I promise to let you in on my thoughts and feelings as I traverse the miles of this amazing journey called life. Maybe you will see yourself in me and my experiences. Maybe you will wish you were on a similar journey. Maybe you will gain some new insights along with me. I am, and will be, honored by every one of you who join me and read these entries and look at my pictures 🙂 Please comment on whatever strikes your fancy and know that wherever I am I am carrying all of you in my heart.